I'm Fine

I failed miserably tonight. I couldn’t even last three whole days.

I tried so hard … I just want to sleep and not wake up.
I am exhausted …
I don’t want to be “strong” any more.

I hear that I’m being “tested” so I can be “strong.” If that’s the case… what in the hell am I being prepared for because I am dying most painfully slow…

I don’t know who I am any more.
What happened to ME?
I try so hard to be happy… to not think… to enjoy life… to be… “me,” yet every day is a struggle. Perhaps because I’ve lost “me.”

I wake up even though I don’t want to.
I get dressed even though I don’t want to.
I got to work even though I want to sleep.

I do my job, I smile, I laugh… even though inside I am screaming.
I come home and I clean even though I don’t need to.

I do every thing right… except get my head right.

Tonight I am a mess… My soul hurts…

I miss “me”… I used to be happy… used to laugh… used to read, paint, write, illustrate, play with my children. I used to go places, have friends and enjoy life… I used to dance… I used to wonder…

… I used to breathe…

Today began rather well.

I felt happy, and while not quite ready to take on the day, I felt ready enough to make coffee and wake up fully.

You know how sometimes you’re around people and you can feel their energy?

Well… I made the mistake of being around someone like that. Not by choice but long enough to completely drain me.

I am desperately trying to claw my way back up to the light.

I’ve succeeded so far, to keep at bay the waves of overwhelming thoughts threatening to drown me.

It is so difficult to not give in. But I am determined to break this cycle.

Today was a bit more of a struggle than yesterday unfortunately…

HOWEVER… so far I’ve managed to keep things from getting too dark. I keep telling myself that what will be will be and I can’t control it. Seems to help.

I came across this today and thought it describes me perfectly.

The weekends are bad for me. So are evenings.

When alone, in silence, my thoughts scream at me incessantly.

I made a conscious decision yesterday to fight my obsessive thoughts.

It wasn’t easy.

It isn’t easy when you fight against yourself. For a split moment I almost gave in. But I am happy to say that the desire to give in lasted for perhaps 30 seconds.

I fought hard and won.

Today is another day I’m fighting.

It’s amazing what three hours of sleep can change. No wonder I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Once again spent the evening curled up on my bed crying uncontrollably.

The gut wrenching, heart shattering, painful crying that can only come from the very depths of your tormented soul.

All I keep thinking is that “I want to go home.”

Home…

Home is not a place… it’s a feeling. Home is something I never had.

Home is where my heart isn’t broken; my soul is intact and I am happy.
Happy… I don’t even know the meaning of the word.
I don’t know how to BE happy.

I always hear “you have to be happy with yourself.” What a crock!
HOW do I do that?
How do I make myself happy when I walk though a minefield of torment every moment of every day. I can barely hang on.
I am in agonizing pain every minute of every single day.
Nothing helps.

High-functioning depression (often called dysthymia) is not common, not because it doesn’t exist, but because we often don’t see it. It’s difficult to identify this problem because of the disposition of the people who are dealing with it. They are usually hardworking, high-functioning people who, from the outside, appear perfectly fine. They carry on with their daily activities as smoothly as possible – going to school, work, the mall, the club, but on the inside, they’re falling apart [1].

Many people dealing with this problem don’t usually think they need to seek treatment. They assume they are just going through a phase which will soon blow over.

In reality, there’s little difference between depression and high-functioning depression. High-functioning depression may be described as a mild form of depression, because it may seem like it does not affect their day to day lives [2]. However, the symptoms are similar to depression: low self-esteem, insomnia, short attention span, weight loss, fatigue, headaches, and self-pity [3].

In some ways, it could be considered more serious because of how well masked the symptoms are from those on the outside.  It can be difficult to battle while acting like everything is fine – It’s draining, exhausting, and can eventually lead to a major breakdown.

Below are 20 problems people suffering from this form of depression usually have to deal with [4]:

They are always right at the edge

They usually find themselves nearly toppling over, right on the verge of spiraling into deeper issues. They are exhausted from trying to keep things together, and all they want to do is finally let go and fall into that dark hole, but they’ll find themselves pushing through again, no matter how painful it gets.

It takes every ounce of strength to push forward

They don’t just wake up and mechanically perform their activities as if on command. No. It’s more than that. They have to spend a lot of time mustering the energy to get up and face the day.

Taking a “deep breath” won’t solve the problem.

People suffering from all kinds of depression and anxiety dislike it when they are told to simply “take a deep breath” to get their emotions under control. This suffocation is not the kind oxygen will clear. Sometimes the solution just isn’t that simple.

Today is different. They can’t always do the same things they did yesterday.

They may not have the same amount of will and determination they woke up with the previous day. Something as simple as answering the phone may seem daunting because the drive just isn’t there.

They are not sad every second of the day

Most people assume that a person going through depression will be constantly moody. Not exactly. Sometimes, the hopelessness dissipates and contentment replaces it. Exhaustion, stress, and overthinking may cause their mood to swing again.

It comes without warning

They may be having a good day, for the first time in a long time, and it could hit them from absolutely nowhere. They’ll have no idea what triggered it, but they are suddenly feeling down and emotionally exhausted.

They worry too much

They have to stress over everything, both mentally and physically. They are always calculating their ability to perform a specific task or just to be somewhere at a particular time. Everything has to be fussed over.

They deal with insomnia

Depression changes a person’s sleep patterns and makes it difficult for them to relax, clear their minds and fall asleep.

They try really hard to project the ‘perfectly-fine attitude’

It’s not easy feeling one thing and truly being another. Sometimes, it’s obvious they’re trying to cloak the pain they’re going through.

They are in a constant battle with themselves

They want to be okay. They are high achievers, they are strong, and they want to shake this thing off and live their lives happily. Unfortunately, it’s not always that simple, and it leaves them in a constant state of self-battle.

They are truly strong

The strength is not a façade. Their bravery is what makes them strive, despite their problems.

They have their own means of easing the stress

High-functioning depression is milder than major depression, and it allows a person to have a sort of control over their emotions. They may be able to channel their energy into doing something that will have a relaxing effect on them, such as reading, writing, yoga, running, etc. Of course, everyone is different, what works for one, may not work for another.

They want to get better

They desperately wish they could get over this, but it’s not always that simple.

Asking for help is too difficult

This is why it’s so important to keep up with the ‘perfectly-fine attitude.’ They don’t know how to talk to anyone about what they are going through. It’s easier to carry on with life as if everything is fine rather than seeking help.

They lose a lot of energy every day

Their daily activities may not always be strenuous or tedious, but the will to perform them comes through the expenditure of a lot of energy. They are usually feeling very drained, both physically and emotionally.

They can get really cranky at times

People often describe them as ‘moody.’ One moment, they’re being nice and keeping it together. The next, they lose the reins and get snappy with everyone.

It’s easier to support others than to support themselves

It’s easier for them to channel their energy into helping out other people than to think about how to help themselves. When they look at their lives, they see a complicated maze, but the lives of others is an adventure to take on.

Even though they aren’t displaying any obvious symptoms, their illness is real

Most people with this problem are usually given some form of advice and a few tips on healthy living, and that’s all. Their condition is more serious than this and should be dealt with accordingly. It’s possible to spiral into a more severe form of depression if it’s not treated at this stage.

It takes everything in them to strive forward

The effort they put into their daily activities is admirable. Everything they do, every smile they flash, and every friendly conversation they engage in takes a lot of effort and determination.

They don’t ask for help because they may not understand what is going on with them.

If professional psychologists have trouble recognizing this problem, what chance does a novice stand? Often, they feel they don’t need help. They want to shake this thing off, but they don’t even know what it is. How can they explain it to someone when they don’t understand it themselves?

High functioning depression, while not clinically defined, is real. People suffering from any form of depression, mild to severe, should consider seeking help. Depression can take a toll on our lives. It can take away your life, your joy, the very essence and purpose of our being.

via Stacy Robertson @The Hearty Soul

Today is difficult.

I took a chance and took my first double dose of Venlafaxine (Effexor), which turns out to be slow release.

So far it’s not helping. I don’t know how “slow” it’s releasing but it’s not helping. Perhaps it needs to build in my system. I am starting to feel like I’m losing control of myself today.

I read that Effexor XR (extended release) peaks potency in the body within 5.5 to 9 hours with regular dosages and maintains its efficacy.

I don’t have 5.5 hrs!!!!!
I don’t even have 2.
I can barely hold myself together.

I am going to take a shower, get dressed up and take my children shopping. I have to find ways to be okay with me today.
I have to try.

The difficulty with depression is:

• You know you’re okay but you don’t feel okay
• You know people love you but you don’t feel it
• You know doing something you love will make you feel better but you don’t know how to do it
• You want to be well but you don’t know how
• You want to sleep and never wake up but you don’t want to die
• You know your head is fucking with you but you can’t get out of it
• Your desire to die and end it all is there but it’s involuntary
• You feel physically ill but don’t know why
• You’re afraid you’ll end it all when you don’t want to
• You feel no control over your actions
• Talking does not help
• Ignoring your friends becomes normal
• You’re lonely even when surrounded by people
• No matter how hard you try you feel like you are never good enough
• You fight like hell to be happy

You fight like hell to live in peace but it seems like you lose the battle every day

I’ve begun to struggle once again.

I believe my brain has adjusted to my medication. I’ve had to call my physician and they’ve doubled my dose.

It occurred to me today that I will never be free of this and it terrifies me.

The rabbit hole is starting to look enticing again and I am so scared.

I haven’t yet begun to take the double dose and to be honest I am afraid to but I will try it. I have to.

I must stay mentally healthy. Therapy does not help me. Therapy makes me worse. My only option are meds.

I am terrified… I am terrified that my own thoughts will eventually kill me. I no longer have the ability to control them.

I am in a constant race against myself and I don’t seem to be winning.

Every day takes effort…

I take my medication religiously even though I despise it. I do know however that I will tumble down the rabbit hole faster than the speed of light should I miss a single dose.

All this being said… I am doing much better. I now live alone and I am happy for the most part.

Finally moved on and cut off all ties with the ex boyfriend which is both a relief and hurtful. But able to manage much better now.

I’m still not 100%. Not certain I ever will be; not certain any of us truly are.

I’m slowly beginning to talk to people and feel “normal.”

I no longer feel the need to disappear or harm myself. This is probably the biggest relief.

Life is better… not perfect but better.

… but I try… hard… every day…

I’ve been going through the motions…

Still loving the person who has a lot of power over me.

The power to hurt me by means of indifference. I never thought he would hurt me as much as he has.

He confuses me because he is nothing if not observant.

He watches my every action. Doesn’t comment but is very much aware of everything I do. Everything I say. Everything I write.

He is aware of every text message I receive. The moment my phone chimes, his eyes dart to it.

He is aware of every Facebook post I make. He refuses to comment but he will mention it if he does not like it. He believes every post is related to him.

If he won’t forgive me why does he still care?

If he cares why won’t he forgive me?

Why is he indifferent?
Indifference KILLS me.
I would rather he be rude, mean and nasty.
I would take anything… anything at all but indifference.

Indifference hurts more than physical violence.

The point I am trying to perhaps make is that I am moving on. Tonight I decided to move 99% of my things out.

Finally… finally moving on.

I am moving out.
I am so happy that I have been forced to take this step.

Tomorrow night I will sleep in my own place.

And I am happy!!!! For the first time in a long time… I am happy that I am doing something for… ME.

Me!
I come first for once.
I am looking forward to me being… me.
Again.

… I only hope I have not forgotten who I am…

Things are truly over.

Yet I still love him…

I don’t want to love this person.
I thought I was over him.
I hate that I love him.

I thought I had moved on. Maybe I have a little… but not enough.

I don’t want to want him…

I don’t want to think about him every day…

He came up in my feed today. I was okay until I saw him.

Why can’t I hate him?
He broke my heart and I love him.
I’m so stupid…

I deserve this though.

I hurt him so much. I’m a horrible person.
I deserve this.

I deserve the unbearable pain.
I deserve the indifference.

I deserve the silence.

The following background is necessary:

I married my now ex-husband when I was 23 years old.

I took my marriage vows seriously. I was IN LOVE (I believed), blindly trusting, and completely loyal for the entirety of my marriage.
My marriage and my family were my life.
I was Suzy-homemaker and I loved it.

Then I discovered that my husband cheated on me with my children’s teacher. A woman who knew we were married. A woman I saw every day.

I was heartbroken…

Slowly I began dating and having fun. I adored being free and single.

I was especially shocked to find that men thought I was beautiful and smart and wanted to date me.

That was fine with me.
Why would I complain?

But then?
Then I met a much younger man.
A man who wasn’t meant to mean anything to me EVER.
He was supposed to be … “fun.”

Yet the unthinkable happened… I fell in love.

He wanted me.
He wanted a life with me.

You’ll question this, of course, because of the recent 20-year-marriage-breakup.
Don’t.
My rebound had already happened.

I recently realized this:

I believed I was in love with my husband. I wasn’t. I loved him but while I believed I was “in love” … it turns out I overcame the heartache he caused rather quickly.
In fact I am glad the events that led to our breakup happened.

The man that was supposed to mean nothing but be simple fun?

For the first time in my life I experienced passion. Passion I had never felt with my husband or any other person before or since.

This person, who was supposed to mean nothing to me makes me feel alive simply by thinking about him.
I find myself RUSHING home to him.
I am happy when I’m around him.

I am moving on from this person; the details as to why are not important.

We are no longer together but if he ever decided we should be a couple again, I KNOW I would leave whomever I was with to go back to him.

That is SUCH a fucked up thing to think, to say, to do!

I am a horrible person…

I do not have regrets in my life except for him.

He is my biggest regret.

I shouldn’t love this person. I don’t want to love this person. I want him out of my heart and out of my head.

I don’t want to love him.

While my ex-husband simply broke my heart, breaking up with this man shattered my soul.

How could I not be “in love” with a man I trusted and was married to for 20 years?

How can I be “in love” with a man I’ve known for only seven months?

No wonder I’m a mess…

A year ago I didn’t imagine a new person would find his way into my heart.

Not only find his way, but remain an invading force holding on to my soul no matter how hard I try to evict him.

I want my heart back.

There are people who will ruin you for others.

You’ll find yourself chasing (and praying you’ll find) someone who will ignite and awaken you just as they had.

In the end you’ll probably never find it or you’ll settle.

But you will always compare and never… ever forget THE one who set the bar so high that no one else could possibly reach it.

You will always wonder “what if… ”

… yes, there are people who will ruin you…

There are days when nothing you do is right. And that’s okay.

But then life decides to throw you a curveball and make things even worse. That’s also ok.

You think you can deal… you hope you can deal.

Accepting this “moving on” a little better. At least for today.

I still don’t want to move on, but I am not fighting it like I used to.

I believe working also helps; medication will help as well. At least I think it will. I want it to… I don’t know…

I want to be happy… for once…

I’m scared though…

I’m also moving way too fast…

I finally gave in and went to my doctor.

I can’t live like this any longer. The constant pain, analyzing, overthinking and black hole I have fallen into is agonizing.

I took my first dose of medication today. I know it will take time but I desperately hope it works.

I don’t want to be medicated. I despise it, but I also know I need it.

I made a conscious decision – to move on.

I am in love with someone else. Yet he discarded me so easily.

The thought of moving on is agonizing. I don’t want to move on.

In a way I am scared to stop loving him. I am scared that if I stop, it wasn’t real.

I am scared that if I don’t, I will never give this new person a chance. I don’t want to hurt someone else. I don’t want to move on – I want to stay in love with the person I love now.

But how can I when he didn’t even fight for me. For us.
Yes… it was MY fault but he didn’t even give me a chance. Not a real one.

I met a lovely person. I don’t want to like him but I do.

I don’t want to move on.

I don’t want to be sad any longer.

I am exhausted.

I don’t know how to accept that I’ve lost someone.

The mere thought of someone else touching me makes me ill.

I want to not care.

I want to not love him.

I want to fall out of love.

I want to be indifferent.

I wish I’d never met him.

But the thought of never having met him saddens me at the same time.

He is the wisest soul I know and I am grateful I know him. At the same time … it’s torture.

It has finally dawned on me that I’m no longer relevant in someone’s life.

It’s sad and it hurts.

I feel like I’m tumbling down, aimlessly through … something… I can’t even say life… and I feel lost.

I hate what I’ve done.

I desperately want to fall out of love.

To the boys and to… “you.”

“Yes my life has dark parts but it has bright parts too
When they do, you will find that they shine just for you.”

I need to get out of here. I feel out of place.

I feel like I’m intruding.

I feel like I’m not wanted.

I feel like I am only… tolerated.

And now the fact that I’m not wanted here has just been confirmed.

I have to go…

… the more I stay the worse I’ll feel.

Often times you believe you know someone and then things… change.

Perhaps you never knew them at all… and maybe you wanted to know them so much that you believed you knew them.

Maybe you were simply seeing what you wanted to see… what you were hoping to see…

Perhaps all you saw in the end, was a shadow of how you want things to be and none of it is in fact real.

When you come to this realization… you finally become aware that you had… nothing.

Things have definitely changed. Drastically so.

It was glaringly obvious tonight.

No wonder I feel out of place and … handled.

I am being placated. I see this while pretending I don’t know any better.

The time for goodbye is approaching fast.

Only this time… it won’t be announced.

There will be no… “trusting” that others know what’s best for me.

There will be no impediments.

I want to be separated from this person.

I want to walk away.

I want to not care.

I want to feel indifferent.

I want no feelings for this person.

I want easy… friendship… feelings for this person.

…

When I think about separating myself and walking away… it feels SOUL WRENCHING.

Time won’t fix this. “Friendship” won’t fix this. The longer I wait… the more agonizing the pain.